Skip to main content
Toby Culverwell's Blog

I Want to Be a Wall Volume 1.

I Want to Be a Wall Volume 1

With Valentine's Day in less than a month away (just), I thought it to be good idea to review a romance manga/light novel series that I own and as I will have 3 weeks until then (remember that 3rd February will be reviewing the Miami ePrix that will have run the Saturday prior). As you may have noticed from the the tags associated with this post, this series features LGBT+ characters heavily and I don't identify as one of the letters in LGBT+, so I apologise if I miss some nuance here and there.

Our protagonists are having some wedding photos taken and seem like normal couple, even if they are struggling to smile. However, they aren't a 'normal' couple as: Gakurouta Hanazono is gay and in love with his childhood best friend, and Yuriko Hanazono (nee Sonoda) who is asexual* and more interested in BL or Boys Love (gay male relationships), especially fictional ones. * The series refers to her as asexual, although she tends to demonstrate tendencies more commonly associated with aromanticism and Japanese society groups the 2 together (this difference between cultures is not addressed until Volume 2 in the translation notes). As her sexuality is only going to be brought up by her from now on, I will still refer to it as asexuality regardless of its accuracy. They have also moved into Gakurouta's family home and are now unpacking some boxes of which mostly contain BL books that belong to Yuriko. In an effort to be a good husband, Gakurouta wants to learn more about BL so picks up one of the books and begins to read it, only for a horrified Yuriko to remove it from his grasp and he is taken aback by how quickly it got sexually explicit. Undeterred, he still wants to read it despite Yuriko's objections and she saved by the phone ringing. Her salvation is short-lived as the caller is her mother, who is asking how the unpacking is going before expressing amazement at the fact her daughter is now married, what with her obsession with manga and anime at her age (interpret that as you wish). She says goodbye by asking for some grandchildren and this exchange has now mentally drained Yuriko and she needs some healing by sniffing some BL books. Her healing is interrupted by the doorbell as Gakurouta's childhood best friend (the one he is in love with) has dropped by, so her healing resumes.

Sousuke Kusama is Gakurouta's childhood best friend and is straight, meaning Gakurouta's love is one-sided and forever will be. He is also the gardener for the Hanazono home and willing to pop round to if there's any issue with the house or its garden. Gakurouta isn't doing a good job in hiding his feelings for Sousuke, but his blushes are saved by Sousuke being oblivious to the signs of love he may display. Sousuke isn't staying long, so hands Yuriko a present and leaves and Yuriko is apologetic (mostly as a fan of BL)over how the meeting transpired as it was brief and she got a gift and he didn't. Gakurouta is more interested what the present is that she received and Sousuke has got her an aroma bundle that she can use in their room however, the only problem is that the 2 have separate rooms.

Gakurouta reveals the cover story for 2 to use to 'show' how in love they are. 'Their' bedroom is his parent's old bedroom, they bathe together, they cook on alternate weekdays and cook together on weekends, and Yuriko washes the clothes but they dry them together. Yuriko is unsure on the bathing together part, but Gakurouta assures her that piece of information came from a good source (Tv show about newly-weds). Yuriko then asks if he is ok lying to Sousuke, which Gakurouta assures that he is after all, he hasn't confessed his feelings to him. Gakurouta then asks if she would come up with cover story instead, to which she declines on the basis she has never been in love.
We now have a flashback to Yuriko being dumped at Christmas time and the reason (according to now ex-boyfriend) being that she doesn't actually love him and there's no point shackling both of them to a loveless relationship. On another day, Yuriko is then confronted by a coworker about her and boyfriend breaking up as there's rumour going around that she dumped him. She vaguely tells the truth and goes on how she's never been in love, had her heart race because of someone, see someone as no more than a friend, etc. Her coworker is convinced that she's joking, which confirms to Yuriko that her asexuality is abnormal to the wider world.
We return to the present and the conversation continues about Yuriko's asexuality. Yuriko explains that she is ok with love and sex in fiction but not with it happening to her so much that she will sometimes struggle to hold hands with people. Gakurouta accepts this and promises to respect her boundaries, but Yuriko grabs his hand as she can hold hands with family and to her, Gakurouta is now family. Gakurouta is slightly embarrassed at the 2 holding hands and when imagines holding hands with Sousuke (upon request from Yuriko), he goes completely red. Yuriko assures him that she will support him.

It is now day eight of Gakurouta and Yuriko's marriage and Gakurouta has 'cooked' breakfast - pancakes and fruit (supposedly). Gakurouta asks if Yuriko wants to still continue to work (it is traditional, although dying out, for women to stop working once married) as he can become the breadwinner if need be. She does as she needs the money to BL books and Gakurouta apologises for being insensitive and assumes that she passionate about her work. He also wants the housework to be divvied up between them, so it doesn't interfere with her work and assures her that he is no single male - he can cook and clean! (jury is still out on the former).
Yuriko has some proper food at work (rice porridge and stomach relief medicine) and moans about the morning's breakfast. Her coworker can't understand the problem as to her, he is the perfect husband (respects desire to work, not poor, helps out with chores, etc). Yuriko believes she should doing more of the chores, but her coworker reminds her that sacrifices made today will live on in the future as a marriage is not for Christmas, it is for life. As she leaves work, Yuriko ponders on what she and Gakurouta will need in order to maintain their marriage, as neither are in love with each other. Meanwhile, Gakurouta is also being quizzed about his new partner, but the interrogation is brief (literally just "what's she like?" and a reminder to help out with a couple of chores) so he can clock off earlier than the rest.
Yuriko is at a supermarket as she plans to make some "Croquettes of Love", chosen as the ideal meal her current OTP (One True Pair) would have as newly-weds. She gets home only to see Gakurouta preparing to make some desserts for dinner tonight, as he has a recipe book on sweets that one's girlfriend/wife would like (this explains the attempt at pancakes this morning) as he isn't sure what she likes. Yuriko reveals that the croquettes recipe she found was to make something he would like and explains she prefers a more traditional Japanese breakfast as opposed to pancakes. This is good as Gakurouta prefers to have rice for breakfast and also reveals his preferences as he prefers things to be stewed rather than fried like croquettes. They begin to make dinner, where Yuriko discovers another purchase of Gakurouta's - BL books. Gakurouta explains that he wishes for the 2 to read them together, which Yuriko adamantly denies. Also Yuriko's cooking ability is no better than her husband's.

This chapter will be narrated by Gakurouta and Sousuke has come round to look at the garden. Yuriko is around as well and is startled when spotted by Sousuke (she probably didn't want interrupt BL mirage in front of her). They all have some tea together that Yuriko had with herself, before Sousuke leaves as he has a date with his girlfriend, much to the shack and despair of Yuriko. Gakurouta explains to his wife that Sousuke has always popular with girls.
Flashback time! We have travelled back to when Gakurouta is in year 1 of primary school and is being introduced to Sousuke, as he is the only other boy around his age that will go to the same school as him. They spend nearly every waking moment together, but as Sousuke is 1 year older than Gakurouta, he heads off to middle school first and Gakurouta has last happy days of his youth. When Gakurouta makes it to middle school, he meets up again with Sousuke and by extension, his girlfriend Nao. Sousuke understandably prioritises spending time with his girlfriend, but when Gakurouta spots the 2 kissing, he runs away confused as to why he wanted to look away from them doing so. Later, Nao and Sousuke break up for the following reasons: Sousuke didn't take lead often enough(e.g: holding her hand more often), wasn't direct enough with stuff, and his kisses weren't what she imagined they were going to be. Gakurouta is visibly upset at this revelation because if he was dating Sousuke, then he would cherish him forever and never let him get away romantically. Gakurouta realises he is in love with his best friend while Sousuke appreciates the concern his friends shows for him and states that he always feels at ease when around Gakurouta.
The pair split off from each other after middle school, as they will go to different high schools and Sousuke becomes a gardener upon graduation while Gakurouta goes off to university in another town. This separation is done on purpose by Gakurouta to forget about Sousuke and by extension his feelings towards him. However, when Gakurouta's father suddenly passes away during his 3rd year of university, only he and Sousuke are the only ones able to make it to his bedside in the hospital (all other relatives are either dead or stuck in a nursing home) and Gakurouta cries at their reunion. As Gakurouta and Sousuke are clearing out the house, Sousuke contacted by his girlfriend (most likely not the same one he left to see earlier in the chapter) and Gakurouta allows him to go and spend time with her as it is a further reminder that Sousuke can never be his, but it is okay, as long as he can be Sousuke's side, that will be sufficient enough.
The entire flashback has been Gakurouta narrating it to Yuriko, who is now in tears. Gakurouta thanks her, though she is not sure why, but to him it is because she will be by his side and can share in his pain. Gakurouta asks her to cry with him when Sousuke get married.

Our protagonists are now 1 month into married life and they are cooking dinner with expected results, although Yuriko is going out for dinner as she is meeting an old friend ogf hers. Her friend, Tomo Satou (nee Umeda), is a former otaku as well as a lover of BL.
It's time for another flashback as we travel to Yuriko's high school days where she hangs out Tomo as they are in the same class and club at school. They both enjoy reading BL stories as for Tomo, they are so beautiful they make her not care about her own love life, whereas Yuriko is not bothered and such things and because Tomo understands this, she is a safe haven for Yuriko. Another safe haven for Yuriko is BL because all the characters are males, a girl has no place in those stories and thus she doesn't have to feel out of place. Tomo and Yuriko both get into the same university, but decide to spend their time wildly differently as Yuriko is willing to spend it as an otaku, while Tomo is spending hers as a social butterfly. This is demonstrated in their looks as: Tomo lost weight (studied so hard for exams she lost it and then maintained it by going on a diet) and dyed her hair, while Yuriko looks super plain. Tomo also gets a boyfriend as well and tries to match Yuriko with one of her boyfriend's friends who is also into manga and anime, but she refuses as she isn't interested in a boyfriend. According to Yuriko, this change in Tomo can blamed on the 'power of love' (not the song). However, with Tomo being more 'normie' than Yuriko, her safe spaces has now only become BL and through that she realises there might something wrong with her as, unlike the rest of the world, she can't understand what is great about falling in love.
During her 3rd year of university, she spends time studying abroad in Seattle, Washington, USA and by coincidence, so is Tomo (also all conversations in Seattle are in english). At a party, Yuriko refusal for a romantic relationship is brought up and becomes the hot topic as people express their ignorant confusion about it, only to corrected by Gilbert, a guy from England who diagnoses her as asexual. The 2 talk more about it away from the party where Gilbert explains if people are free to fall in love with anyone, then no one is also included in that anyone.
We return to the present, where this flashback has been Yuriko reminiscing and she isn't the only one as Tomo apologises for being so pushy about Yuriko getting a boyfriend whilst they were at university together. This is because Tomo doesn't want children and while her husband agrees now is not the right time, her parents and coworkers won't shut up about how she should be procreating the next generation and has realised that once she was the nagger to someone (oh how the tables turn). She also congratulates her on getting married, which was something she wanted to do in person.
The chapter ends with Yuriko returning home just as Gakurouta was about to go out and pick her up (all good husbands should pick their wives up after they have been out drinking) whilst explaining what is so great about her husband to an off-screen Tomo.
The bonus chapter in this volume is about Gakurouta finding a BL novel that Yuriko left lying around by accident and ends up engrossed in it and is depressed by its ending, which forces Yuriko to bring out the sequel which does have happy ending, suggesting that Gakurouta wasn't the only one dissatisfied with its ending. The final punchline is him asking about 'Omegaverse' which Yuriko forbids him from finding anything about.
'Omegaverse' is a trope in BL where everyone has a secondary biological gender and also produce pheromones which can attract others for explicit sex.
Cover of volume 1 of I Want to Be a Wall